Have you ever felt like life, God, or whatever is just trying to screw you? I know that sounds bitter and childish, and believe me I’m the last person who would say such a thing but I’m still saying it- sometimes life just sucks. And that’s just the situation for me right now. If you don’t believe me, keep reading and you will.
First of all, I want to apologize because I haven’t been blogging lately. And if that wasn’t bad enough, I come up with a crappy post like this. So sorry, you guys! But I just need to go on this little rant. Life for me has been less than great for months, and I really need to vent, so bear with me.
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Last March, my sister Diana passed away after a long battle with leukemia. I spent weeks feeling really depressed afterward. To be honest, I’m still feeling depressed about this. See, the problem is that I just can’t make any sense out of it. There probably isn’t any, and that’s what troubles me even more.
This is so hard for me because my sister and I grew up together, only 10 months apart. I was the oldest. We were so close, we could almost read each other’s mind. Life put us on different paths, and we ended up having completely different lives, but at least we were together in the end. I held her hand before she died, I told her I loved her, and she told me she loved me too.
A Crisis Of Faith
Just to make it clear, up until this point I was a faithful Christian and I still believe in God, but the death of my sister has sparked a real crisis of faith that I just don’t see how to turn around. This tragedy clashes with my whole idea of a loving God, and I can’t even pray like I used to anymore. A priest came to talk to the whole family right after the fact, and I remember he said we had to trust God’s plan, but I still can’t see how I can do that. If this was God’s plan all along, it just seems downright cruel. I remember my sister told us many times she wanted to live, and I think that’s why I can’t pray anymore. Every time I try, I remember my sister telling me she didn’t want to die, but she did, and that’s where I have a problem with trusting God.
If you’re reading this and you’re feeling like you want to lecture me on godly things, you’re not alone. I’ve had close friends and relatives try to do that, but so far I’ve found no words or Bible verses to offer me comfort. I feel like God tore her away from us, or tore her away from where she wanted to be. Like I said, it seems cruel, and unfair.
Trying To Heal
I’ve tried to deal with this the best way I can. My sister Diana had a gifted voice, and she loved to sing. We used to sing at the children’s church choir together, and we had band in high school. We sang and wrote songs together. So what I do now is sing all those songs to myself, by myself. I think that somehow she can hear me, and she’s singing along with me somewhere, and that makes me feel a little better.
Perhaps I’m having a personal problem with God’s plans, but I still have faith in love. Love trascends time and space, and love is the one thing that still connects my sister with us. Wherever heaven is, she still has our love there with her, and we still have her love here with us.
You’ll say to me that God is love, and I try to think that way, but I still don’t understand the why. Perhaps one day I will. Perhaps I never will. Perhaps there is no why, no reason, no explanation. I need time to make my peace with that. And maybe one day I’ll be able to pray again.
Life Is Ruthless
After my sister died, life decided it was time to really start screwing with my family and me.
Last May, my husband started getting really painful backaches. After getting labs done, it turned out that several of his lower vertebrae are worn out and he might need surgery. As you can probably guess, this was awfully bad news for us. Even if we could get our insurance to pay for the whole thing, there’s still the added cost of him not being able to work while he recovers. We really need a double income to make ends meet.
To make things worse, our family business started failing. My husband is a veterinarian, and together we run a dog training center. It’s usually good business, but it started going bad in March. We tried investing in promotion, improving the service, cutting expenses, you name it, but things kept going downhill. You can probably guess we’ve had to tighten our belts financially.
So while we’re talking about our options, the landlady comes up out of the blue and tells us she doesn’t want to renew our lease. We’ve been renting a house where the five of us -two parents and three kids- can fit comfortably, and the price is reasonable. We’ve been paying the rent, but the landlady says that doesn’t matter, she wants the house back so she can do whatever she wants with it. That’s it. No reason why. She gave us a couple of months to find another place and move out.
Just then, we also get the news that my Dad isn’t doing well. The whole ordeal with my sister left his health in a shambles, and his diabetes completely out of control. Labs show that his kidneys aren’t working well, and his glucose levels and blood pressure are through the roof. So now he is on a very strict diet and treatment. He has to take tons of meds, which make him feel even worse than before.
Of course, my parents are still feeling very depressed about my sister, specially my Mom. She took care of my sister since the day she was diagnosed with leukemia to the day when she left this Earth, and this took a huge emotional toll on Mom. And now, she’s taking care of my Dad. She thinks she’ll have to go down the same road with my Dad as she did with my sister, so she feels like this whole thing is just hopeless.
At this point, I really have to say something like…
WTF, Life and God??? What the hell is the plan? Is there even a plan? Or do you just want to screw with us all?
I know I still have a lot to be thankful for. We have food on the table…barely. We have our health…at least some of us do. We have a roof over our heads…not for long. We have work….not nearly enough. So yes, that’s pretty much it.
At least the kids are fine. They’re feeling anxious about everything, but they’re healthy. I guess I do have that one thing to be grateful for!
But I’m still angry, you know. Life just sucks right now. We’re all having a really hard time dealing with everything.
We managed to find a house that we can move into, but it’s ten times smaller so we’ll have to downsize. I have to throw out a lot of junk, and find a storage space. The kids are not thrilled about that.
My husband is angry and depressed too, because he feels he can’t provide for his family like he should. He needs a cane to walk, and we have to get through the insurance red tape or save enough money for the surgery ASAP, because he could have nerve damage in a few months’ time.
My parents are dealing with my Dad’s health issues as best they can, but the meds and labs are expensive. They were renovating their new home and planned to move in December, but they’ll have to put that off for a while.
I’ve been feeling stressed and anxious about everything. I had a bout of emotional eating a couple of weeks ago, and I probably gained a couple of pounds. This didn’t make me feel any better, but now I’m drinking a lot of water, and that helps. I’m also working out everyday. But I should really try to get some more sleep, because my dark circles are getting darker and darker.
Still, there’s one thing we still have that nothing can take away from us- Love. My husband and I still love each other, and we’re sticking together through this, just like we’ve done many times before. We love our kids, and even though we’ve moved around a lot, we’ve always tried to make a loving home for them. This time won’t be any different.
I also love my parents. They know can count on us. And I still have my younger sister Julie here with me. She and I helped our parents all those months when my sister Diana was in the hospital getting chemo. We also organized her funeral so that my parents wouldn’t have to. We’re helping them deal with my Dad’s treatment. It’s not easy, but we’re family. We have each other’s back.
Right now, I don’t find comfort in the idea of God, but I do find comfort in the idea of unconditional love. You might say that’s exactly what God is all about, but I just can’t fit Him into the picture right now. Normally, during hard times, praying and trusting God’s plan for me was my comfort. I don’t feel that right now. I would like to, but I can’t. I just can’t. But I trust love. And I guess God and love are basically the same thing. At least I used to think so.
If you want, pray for me because I can’t do it. Not right now. If you don’t believe in God, then wish me luck. I need that too.